Up on my Side, Where it is Felt
by mandaree1
Summary: Rose doesn't bother him. At least, not in the way she used to. He has undeniable proof that she's gone, that he's not some fleshy carrier of her gemstone. It's the stone itself, actually- the fact that, if she were to exist, it would no longer be in him, and he just... he can't. As if on cue, Rose's room opens, spilling warm pink light into the house.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Steven Universe!**

 **Title: Up on my Side, Where it is Felt**

 **Summary: Rose doesn't bother him. At least, not in the way she used to. He has undeniable proof that she's gone, that he's not some fleshy carrier of her gemstone. It's the stone itself, actually- the fact that, if she were to exist, it would no longer be _in_ him, and he just... he can't. As if on cue, Rose's room opens, spilling warm pink light into the house.**

 **Warnings: Spoilers for Change Your Mind!**

 **…**

Compared to the hell he'd had on Homeworld, Steven's nightmare is fairly tame; Rose Quartz, full and alive and well, with him existing merely as her shadow. Pearl and Garnet meet her on the strawberry battlefield, letting out whoops and cries as they corral her into a hug. Steven doesn't notice Amethyst, per say, but he can feel her presence, and just assumes that she's over the next hill, chatting with some de-corrupted Gems.

Rose pulls back, all smiles. "This is great. But where's Steven?"

"Who's Steven?" Dream-Garnet asks.

Steven bursts awake in his bed, clutching at his stomach.

Rose doesn't bother him. At least, not in the way she used to. He has undeniable proof that she's gone, that he's not some fleshy carrier of her gemstone. It's the stone itself, actually- the fact that, if she were to exist, it would no longer be _in_ him, and he just... he can't.

He can't deal with that again.

As if on cue, Rose's room opens, spilling warm pink light into the house.

* * *

The other Steven watches without emotion as he sinks to the unnaturally soft, cloudy floor of the room. Steven knows it isn't the same as it was with White Diamond, but that doesn't stop the weird, desperate feeling from roiling his insides at the sight.

"Are you real?" he asked. "Or are you just part of the room?"

"I'm real," other Steven says.

Steven sighs and shakes his head. "That's what I want, though."

"It is."

"But I guess that'll have to do."

"It will."

He reaches out to touch the pink one's hand. It's unnaturally stiff and solid, but warm in a way that no Gem has ever been on her own. "What... are you? What am I?"

Other Steven tilted his head to the side. "We're us."

That's not very helpful. Steven ran his fingers through his hair, feeling the wet stickiness of sweat. He'd have to take a shower after this. "I know Gem biology is weird. I mean, Pearl has a million Pearls inside her pearl. But my Gem was originally Pink Diamond's. When did it become mine? When mom gave up her physical form? When I started getting my powers?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I'm you. I only know what you know. And all you know is that she's gone."

* * *

The Beta Kindergarten is fairly empty as compared to Prime, where a multitude of Amethysts are recuperating from their life as corruptions. Most of Beta was shattered thousands of years ago, from what he's been told, and what little was left was cherry-picked into courts before the bomb went off. A grim tale for sure, but it's oddly nice to be told that. Usually, he's forced to piece it together on the sidelines.

That's another plus to having new Gems around, he supposes. They don't know Pearl and Garnet don't want him to know these things.

The driving forces in the Kindergarten are Amethyst and Jasper. Jasper digs into the unopened areas of the sandy dirt, creating crevices for Gems to sit and lay and relax; even now, knowing that they are at peace, she has trouble speaking to Steven or Amethyst or anyone, really, but she thrives on having a job to do. Her hole sits, untouched, the notion of what Homeworld perceived as perfect. In it Amethyst stands, leaning comfortably on the side, Steven tucked in behind her. The irony isn't lost on them.

"Has everyone decided who's going where?" Steven asked.

Amethyst, arms crossed, shrugged. "Most of the Quartzes I've talked to like it here. It's their home." A rumble of dirt catches her eye as Jasper rams into the wall, shredding metal bars from a time left behind them. "How's it going with Garnet and Pearl?"

"You could ask them yourself."

"Eh."

"They miss you." Steven touches her elbow. "I miss you too. You never stop by."

Amethyst's face softens. She looks away. "M'sorry, dude. It's just... too loud."

He understands. Amethyst loved parties and people, true, but she loved them on her own terms. After decades of nothingness in Prime, and then just the three of them for all that time afterwards, it was probably even harder on her. "You could tell them that."

"No way! I'm not gonna, like, make them feel bad about wanting to stick close to their friends. They've been apart for _thousands_ of years. I can handle a coupla months in Beta."

Steven wrapped his arms around her neck. "I love you."

Amethyst squeezed. "Love you too, Steven."

* * *

Steven forgoes sleep that night to visit the kingdom of clouds.

He knows it isn't real. He knows that, when it comes to Rose's room, it's easy to get obsessed. But he needs to see things for himself- to look the shards of his personality in the eye and know that what he's been through rings true. To _talk_ to someone, even if that someone is just a hollow version of himself.

The Gems don't remember. Steven doesn't _want them_ to remember.

"You're so much stronger than me," he muses, picking at his sandals. It's a miracle they haven't fallen apart, all the running he's been doing. "Will I ever be that strong all the time?"

"You don't know the answer to that," the other Steven replies. " _I_ don't know the answer to that."

Steven's fingers tighten. A chunk comes free with the tiniest noise- like his gemstone from his stomach. "I know. I want to, though."

* * *

The whole sum of the rebellion is smaller than Steven ever imagined; most of the corruptions had been lost Homeworld soldiers, drawn in through no fault of their own, simply fighting the war they'd been told to fight. But the Homeworld Gems had been kind and decently understanding in spite of it all, having the blessings of the Diamonds to go and do as they liked.

Which means he's been meeting a lot of Gems and getting a lot of names to remember. Some are easy enough- Biggs, for instance, is a Gem he's heard a million and one stories about from Bismuth. The Nephrites all have various titles, but Centi doesn't mind being called Centi, and they follow her lead. Then there's the odder names; Cheep Cheep, Turtle Tail, Diamond Crusher (the Diamonds in particular weren't fond of that one), so on and so forth. There were those who preferred using their number designations, and those who just went by their Gem type.

Steven doesn't like to lie, but he sees how happy they all make Pearl and Garnet, so he smiles and does his best to act like he knows much of anything. He rarely ever does.

Pearl is busy training the new Gems- most of whom are still learning how to work their forms again- and Connie is ever-willing to help out. She doesn't say much about _that moment_ , but Steven sees the bags under her eyes and knows it scared her too. She just copes with a sword instead of late-night rendezvous in a room of impossibilities.

"Steven!" Pearl cries as he rounds the corner to the sky arena, all smiles and bright blue eyes. She gleefully scoops him up into a hug. "You're just in time for training."

Steven looks out over a field of brightly colored friends and manages to smile. "I'd love to watch!"

* * *

"You're exhausted," the other Steven says. "You should sleep."

"I can't."

"I can."

"When I sleep, I dream about _that_."

He touched Steven's shoulder. His hand is solid and almost block-like. "I'm strong now. Nothing can hurt me like it used to."

Steven's chin drooped into his knees. "Stay with me?"

"I'm you. I'm always here."

Somehow, it's not enough. Steven stares at his gemstone and waits until dawn.

* * *

In a world of changes, one thing remains the same; strawberry battlefield. Homeworld and Crystal Gem alike avoid it like the plague, as if worried stepping foot amongst the bushes will trigger a new war altogether.

"This place is weird," Peridot says, not knowing the history behind it. "Why leave all these weapons lying around?"

Steven takes a bite out of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It's Connie who answers, "It's a respect thing, Peridot."

"How is it respectful to let them rust?"

He swallows. "Garnet says that it's only fair that we not take them, since most of them were Homeworld weapons. It wouldn't be right to use them against the Gems their owners died trying to protect."

Lapis flies above them, her water wings wide and a little intimidating. The wind currents are so strong she barely has to flap at all, not until she's low enough to speak. "I see some holes, though."

"Yeah," Steven says, frowning. "We had to take some, once. But we ended up not using them."

"Why?"

He looks at her. Peridot scowls. "Oh. It was... because of me?"

That provoked an awkward chuckle out of him. Steven hated to make her feel bad. "You spooked us pretty bad, Dot. How were we supposed to know we'd all end up picnicking together?"

"It's not _all_ of us," Garnet says, startling Steven. The permafusion hadn't spoken prior to their meal. She spooned herself some jelly. "It's a special introductory lunch for the new Crystal Gems. That's all."

Lapis hesitates, probably worried Garnet will do something unfortunate if she speaks her mind. "Do we... really need Crystal Gems anymore? I mean, Homeworld and the Earth are at peace."

She hummed, sucking on the sweet sticky substance. "There are more corruptions out there, hidden away in unpopulated places. Someone has to find and help them. Not to mention the Gem experiments- smaller ones are all over the planet, seeking help."

"Sounds busy," Connie commented.

"It's a big job," she agreed. "But someone has to do it. That someone is us."

Steven reached across the basket to touch her hand. "Just... try to come home more often, okay?"

Garnet flashes him a grin. "S'hard to come home. Don't wanna leave."

"Eventually, then? When some of the others go back to Homeworld?"

"Eventually."

* * *

"I'll be back," Pearl had said, but by two in the morning Connie and Steven had decided that she would, in fact, not be back, and had settled in for the night by themselves.

"It's so quiet without the Gems around."

"Yeah."

"Can you sleep?"

"Nope."

Steven sits up. "Lemme show you something."

Connie slips her fingers into his hand and lets him lead her into Rose's room. She lets out a confused noise, knowing the place and knowing he typically didn't mess with it, but before she could speak the door was closed and it was just clouds again.

Steven straightens and squares his shoulders. "I wanna talk to myself."

Other Steven doesn't form out of clouds so much as he pushes through them and into everyday existence. He sits up, looks around, and finally stands. Connie says nothing as he approaches. "I come in here when I can't sleep. I know it's probably weird, but it's a step up from not talking about it at all. Right, Connie?"

She still said nothing.

"Connie?" he repeated, though he didn't turn around. He was half-afraid she's fade into clouds, and the other half was afraid to see pity or concern in her eyes.

The other Steven shifted slightly, looking over his shoulder. "Why are you crying?"

Steven whipped around just as Connie turned her head away, one hand firmly cupped over her mouth. "Oh, no, Connie. I didn't mean to-"

"It's _okay_ ," she managed to get out, snorking back some snot. "It's not your fault, Steven. This is- this is all on me."

He cautiously stepped closer, wrapping her in a hug. She went in willingly, her face pinched but not unwelcoming. Connie was powerful, able to climb machines with just a sword and her hands, and her embraces were usually very, very strong. Not tonight. Steven tightened his grip in an attempt to make up for it.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," he whispered.

Connie let out a wet snort. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"It was pretty scary, huh?"

"You were dying, Steven. Of course it was scary."

Steven shuddered. It sounded so simple in words. "I always knew people wanted me to be my mom. They still do- so many of the new Gems ask for her. And sometimes I'd wonder if I was her. If the birth had scrambled everything up, so she was dormant in her son. So... in a way... I'm guess I'm glad? That I know now." He sucked a breath in through his teeth. "Whatever that's worth."

"Do you... feel any better?"

"No," other Steven says, close to regular Steven's ear. The pink facsimile puts a hand on Connie's shoulder; the first contact he's made with someone else in the room. His face doesn't change, but Steven senses something about him softening. "We could all stand to be better, but we won't be. Not ever."

* * *

It's an accident. A corruption swiping too close to his belly. Steven falls over and doesn't get up, heart hammering in his chest.

He can't.

Never again.

There's a roar, the clash of metal, and a loud puff of smoke. Connie's by his side, hand hovering near his ribs.

"Can I touch you?" she asks, quiet.

Steven reluctantly nods.

Connie hooks him by the armpits, heaving him to his feet. Steven's vision swam from a lack of oxygen. He's hyperventilating. Lion seems to appear out of nowhere, laying down while Connie helps him up. Clutched in her fist is a Gem.

"Take us home, please," she says, then hands it to him. Lion carefully clutches it in his teeth. "Then take this to the fountain."

"You're hurt," Steven slurs, eyes drooping. He hadn't realized how tired he was until just now.

Connie nonchalantly touches a cut on her face. "Meh. It's not that deep."

"I should-"

"Sleep, Steven."

It becomes her first scar.

* * *

Steven didn't remember being put to bed. All he knew was Lion's soft fur, Connie's warm voice, and then he was covered, his pillow flat and hot from a lack of movement. Pearl, Garnet, and Amethyst hover overhead.

He swallows. This isn't something he can avoid or pretend isn't happening. "Hey, guys."

Amethyst gives his shoulder a gentle shove. Her smile is all nerves. "You scared the bajesus outta us, Steven."

"Sorry."

Garnet jerks her head in a shallow shake. "We should've been around to notice." She vanishes her shades, eyes a little watery. If someone had told him Garnet was such a crier as a toddler, he would've doubted them. Turns out she'd just gotten good at pretending otherwise. "I'm so sorry, Steven."

Steven pats her knee. "I'm fine, Garnet, really. I hadn't been sleeping good, that's all. I'm all better now."

"We're supposed to _notice_ when you aren't sleeping," Pearl insists, scowling deep enough it looks like her lips will leave her face. "Stars, I've- I've been so preoccupied with everything I've neglected _this_."

"We all have," Garnet adds. "We've been meanin' to reinstall game night. Maybe we oughta start sooner rather than later."

Steven finds his eyes welling up too. Of course. At least this is his choice. "That sounds great."

* * *

Next time Steven sees his other half, he hugs him tight. The contact brings the tiniest flicker of a smile, something familiar and comfortable.

"Don't leave me again," he says into the pink shape's shoulder.

"I won't," the other replies, but Steven knows that he wants it to say that. It's not true. There's no way to know for sure.

The next day, he asks Bismuth to create some form of chest plate that, while light so it didn't suffocate, would still provide some protection. She agrees without any questions.

 **Author's Note: tbh I doubt this is my best work- more stream-of-consciousness future possibilities- but screw it I'm riding off the post-episode glee.**

 **-Mandaree1**


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